more than a baby bath

level 6 water restrictions

In Australia we are currently experiencing the worst drought in more than 100 years.

We are currently at level 5 water restrictions which means no outdoor watering (washing cars, watering garden etc) and 4 min showers etc.

Level 6 water restrictions are coming next month and this is what we'll have to resort to.

a blonde's year in review

JANUARY
TOOK NEW SCARF BACK TO STORE BECAUSE IT WAS TOO TIGHT.

FEBRUARY
FIRED FROM PHARMACY JOB FOR FAILING TO PRINT LABELS.....HELLLLOOOO!!!.......BOTTLES WON'T FIT IN PRINTER !!!

MARCH
GOT REALLY EXCITED.....FINISHED JIGSAW PUZZLE IN 6 MONTHS.....BOX SAID "2-4 YEARS!"

APRIL
TRAPPED ON ESCALATOR FOR HOURS .... POWER WENT OUT!!!

MAY
TRIED TO MAKE KOOL-AID.....WRONG INSTRUCTIONS....8 CUPS OF WATER WON'T FIT INTO THOSE LITTLE PACKETS!!!

JUNE
TRIED TO GO WATER SKIING.......COULDN'T FIND A LAKE WITH A SLOPE.

JULY
LOST BREAST STROKE SWIMMING COMPETITION.....LEARNED LATER,THE OTHER SWIMMERS CHEATED, THEY USED THEIR ARMS!!!

AUGUST
GOT LOCKED OUT OF MY CAR IN RAIN STORM.....CAR SWAMPED BECAUSE SOFT-TOP WAS OPEN.

SEPTEMBER
THE CAPITAL OF CALIFORNIA IS "C".....ISN'T IT???

OCTOBER
HATE M & M'S.....THEY ARE SO HARD TO PEEL.

NOVEMBER
BAKED TURKEY FOR 4 1/2 DAYS .. INSTRUCTIONS SAID 1 HOUR PER POUND AND I WEIGH 108!!

DECEMBER
COULDN'T CALL 911 ..... "DUH".....THERE'S NO "ELEVEN" BUTTON ON THE STUPID PHONE!!!

fight for the kisses

for art lovers

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre Museum.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied ---

"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh".

(See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.)

cheeky chap

A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing crisps from a neighbourhood shop.

I love how he walks in casually, then, speeds up on his getaway.

The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn't looking, and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos.

Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds.

The seagull's shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of crisps. Since then, he's become a regular. He always takes the same type of crisps.

Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of crisps because they think it's so funny.

why dogs attack humans

happy pants off fridays...

a day at the beach

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

not mum's favourite

prank call from eight year old

what am i doing wrong?

THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG'S LIST

What am I doing wrong?


Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York . I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City , so I don't think
I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead
gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front
about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

-----
PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense
to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.

when you can use the f-word

birds and the bees

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."