Thursday, December 18, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
mental hospital phone menu
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
side effects of alcohol
1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the
Drink on your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward
2. Symptom : The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause : You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause : You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite drink!
4. Symptom : The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you!
5. Symptom : You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause : You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!
6. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.
7 . Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and The music is very repetitive.
Cause : You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the
Drink on your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward
2. Symptom : The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause : You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause : You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite drink!
4. Symptom : The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you!
5. Symptom : You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause : You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!
6. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.
7 . Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and The music is very repetitive.
Cause : You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
who is jack schitt?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Lodza Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
.
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Lodza Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
the truth about women
Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her crap, you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle...
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her crap, you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle...
Thursday, September 4, 2008
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Monday, August 25, 2008
new office policy
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Friday, August 8, 2008
learn chinese in 5 minutes
Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics.
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes: English - Chinese Translations
That's not right! -> Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive? -> Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP -> Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man -> Dum Fuk
Small Horse -> Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? -> Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! -> Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! -> Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! -> Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! -> Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! -> No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! -> Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight -> Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile -> Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive -> Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great -> Fa Kin Su Pa
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes: English - Chinese Translations
That's not right! -> Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive? -> Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP -> Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man -> Dum Fuk
Small Horse -> Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? -> Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! -> Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! -> Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! -> Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! -> Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! -> No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! -> Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight -> Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile -> Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive -> Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great -> Fa Kin Su Pa
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
i cannot respond to emails today
I can't respond to any emails today ... something has crashed on my computer and the mouse is missing...
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
only in the movies
Neat stuff that we missed in the movies...
what? Oh, I remember now, Adidas was founded in 1635...
Hey Samurai Warrior, what time is it?
Hey dude! Put your finger on the trigger now!
Trojan War? Check. Jet in the sky? Check.
Costumes?...Bows?...Arrows?...Cellphone?...Action!
what? Oh, I remember now, Adidas was founded in 1635...
Hey Samurai Warrior, what time is it?
Hey dude! Put your finger on the trigger now!
Trojan War? Check. Jet in the sky? Check.
Costumes?...Bows?...Arrows?...Cellphone?...Action!
Friday, June 13, 2008
how to save the airlines
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers. What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right – a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers. What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right – a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
smart blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a Great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'
Monday, June 2, 2008
latest engrish signs
China is definitely ready for the Olympic tourists....
compact but not very smooth...
oohh.. wonder what dorks taste like?
i thought that meat tasted strange...
if there's one thing we don't need help with...
no break dancing!
time limit for teenage boys: 15 seconds...
i guess alcoholics have to sit with the animals...
look up and down the isle twice before proceeding...
much tastier than the grown up variety...
it would be once you start chewing on it...
mother gets her anus done every week...do they do anal bleaching?
I won't tickle this one...
now we know what duck sauce is...
a separate entrance for Ho's, why didn't I think of that...
sounds better than canned water doesn't it?
you ain't gonna find it there...
go over there to die please. thank you...
which is one step up from just lovely...
but taste like cat...
what ever you do, don't blench & reach...
here crippie, take my seat...
great with flied lice...
compact but not very smooth...
oohh.. wonder what dorks taste like?
i thought that meat tasted strange...
if there's one thing we don't need help with...
no break dancing!
time limit for teenage boys: 15 seconds...
i guess alcoholics have to sit with the animals...
look up and down the isle twice before proceeding...
much tastier than the grown up variety...
it would be once you start chewing on it...
mother gets her anus done every week...do they do anal bleaching?
I won't tickle this one...
now we know what duck sauce is...
a separate entrance for Ho's, why didn't I think of that...
sounds better than canned water doesn't it?
you ain't gonna find it there...
go over there to die please. thank you...
which is one step up from just lovely...
but taste like cat...
what ever you do, don't blench & reach...
here crippie, take my seat...
great with flied lice...
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
murphy’s lesser known laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don’t.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don’t.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
you're a redneck if...
A little rain doesn't spoil the fishing...
you don't need a lake to do a little skiing...
you have a deer's butt for a door bell...
your pickup looks like this...
your doghouse looks like this...
your wedding cake looks like this...
your wife is quoted in the local paper saying...
you don't need a lake to do a little skiing...
you have a deer's butt for a door bell...
your pickup looks like this...
your doghouse looks like this...
your wedding cake looks like this...
your wife is quoted in the local paper saying...
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