Giggle of the Day

latest cosmetic products

2012-01-12T12:39:00.002+10:00

latest gym toning gear

2011-12-15T09:29:00.001+10:00

Hey Jude

2011-05-19T15:29:00.000+10:00

how did the dinosaurs die?

2011-05-17T12:42:00.001+10:00

just for laughs

2011-02-17T16:29:00.001+10:00

Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear Twilight fans,
...Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada

Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely, Google

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely, BP

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely, 1985

Dear Justin Bieber,
Ariel would really love her voice back.
Sincerely, King Triton

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear Taylor Swift,
If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.
Sincerely, Shakespeare

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely, God

Dear Rubik's Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can't. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?
Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

only the strong

2010-06-18T10:07:00.001+10:00

iron baby

2010-05-28T13:13:00.002+10:00

not responsible for lost property...

2010-04-30T14:24:00.000+10:00

anatomy of a homie

2010-04-30T14:23:00.000+10:00

bugger me

2010-04-21T13:24:00.002+10:00

uncensored peanuts

2010-03-18T10:08:00.004+10:00

10 peeves that dogs have about humans

2010-03-09T13:23:00.004+10:00

'1'
Blaming your farts on me.....
not funny... not funny at all !!!

'2'
Yelling at me for barking.
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG

'3'
Taking me for a walk, then
not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

'4'
Any trick that involves balancing
food on my nose. Stop it!

'5'
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff
up when you're not home.

'6'
The slight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whooooooo Hoooooooo - what
a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

'7'
Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting
surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

'8'
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

'9'
Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur?

'10'
How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

guiness ad

2010-03-04T10:59:00.001+10:00

why boys need parents

2010-02-19T12:49:00.004+10:00

WTF blanket

2010-02-11T15:17:00.001+10:00

new apple ipad

2010-01-29T16:28:00.001+10:00

office 2010 the movie

2010-01-14T09:44:00.001+10:00

apple introduces revolutionary laptop with no keyboard

2009-12-31T11:26:00.001+10:00

mini robot murders all your other toys

2009-12-23T14:44:00.000+10:00

can't fault this performance

2009-12-10T22:55:00.000+10:00

handjob

2009-12-10T15:21:00.001+10:00

best handheld

2009-12-03T10:13:00.001+10:00

steve vs bill

2009-11-17T14:21:00.001+10:00

slowest invisible cloak

2009-11-05T13:43:00.003+10:00

Can you spot the invisible man?

women think all the time

2009-10-21T14:18:00.000+10:00

a woman writes to the IT tech support

2009-10-21T10:58:00.006+10:00

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Reply

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

how incredible is apple?

2009-09-22T16:51:00.001+10:00

composing birds

2009-09-10T16:01:00.000+10:00

why darth vader has such a bad attitude

2009-09-04T10:54:00.002+10:00

mario kart the movie

2009-08-27T16:06:00.001+10:00

creepy stalker app on iphone

2009-08-26T10:23:00.000+10:00

tech support cheat sheet for relatives and friends

2009-08-25T13:16:00.002+10:00

why macbooks cost so much

2009-07-08T11:34:00.001+10:00

how bad is your job ... really?

2009-06-30T08:19:00.003+10:00

lift culture

2009-06-25T15:35:00.001+10:00

JR Johns and his best friends

2009-06-23T10:37:00.001+10:00

why some women hate football

2009-06-16T13:21:00.001+10:00

menopause women in parking lot

2009-05-31T19:37:00.002+10:00

building the millenium falcon

2009-05-08T13:49:00.000+10:00

For all the Star Wars and Lego fans...

Building the LEGO Millennium Falcon from Gizmodo on Vimeo.

font fight

2009-05-06T13:36:00.001+10:00

Watch Font Fight on CollegeHumor

facebook etigette

2009-04-21T14:57:00.000+10:00

all in one card stamp

2009-04-01T12:24:00.002+10:00

save on greeting cards, make your own...

google classic: those were the days

2009-04-01T11:35:00.001+10:00

de-evolution

2009-03-24T08:43:00.003+10:00

why leno needs a bodyguard

2009-03-23T12:42:00.002+10:00

www.hypecentral.com

2009-03-20T13:37:00.003+10:00

Hi folks! For those of you who like my sense of humour, you might also like my taste in all things new and cool. I've setup a new blog showcasing the latest uber gadgets and all things cool.
Check it out at www.hypecentral.com. Cheers!

why IT people have lots of spare time

2009-03-13T11:31:00.001+10:00

wii breakfast

2009-03-05T12:44:00.001+10:00

the future of nursery rhymes

2009-02-24T09:34:00.004+10:00

It's Raining, It's Pouring
Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
'Pies you dummy!'

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
And turned its wool to nylon.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.

potentially vs realistically

2009-02-24T09:26:00.001+10:00

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.

mobile phone reunion

2009-02-11T15:54:00.000+10:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

vader after the dentist

2009-02-11T15:48:00.000+10:00

death star canteen

2009-02-10T10:36:00.001+10:00

spot the difference on youtube

2009-02-03T14:38:00.001+10:00

walk in fridge

2009-01-16T11:02:00.003+10:00

how to fix a broken plasma tv

2009-01-14T13:52:00.001+10:00

mac netbook

2008-12-18T12:24:00.001+10:00

don't google google

2008-12-18T11:59:00.000+10:00

towing the tow truck

2008-12-11T15:59:00.000+10:00

bento anyone?

2008-12-10T14:45:00.001+10:00

20 years of apple jokes

2008-12-02T12:17:00.000+10:00

Mapple - The Simpsons
by aarplane

personal soundtrack shirt

2008-12-02T10:38:00.000+10:00

star trek vs star wars - the final battle

2008-12-01T11:05:00.001+10:00

god on facebook

2008-11-28T16:07:00.004+10:00

seagate computer friends

2008-11-28T09:45:00.002+10:00

new zune ad

2008-11-19T10:55:00.000+10:00

mental hospital phone menu

2008-11-12T16:05:00.002+10:00

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

side effects of alcohol

2008-10-28T09:18:00.000+10:00

1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the
Drink on your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward

2. Symptom : The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause : You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause : You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite drink!

4. Symptom : The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you!

5. Symptom : You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause : You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!

6. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.

7 . Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and The music is very repetitive.
Cause : You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

saturday night live anyone?

2008-10-27T14:37:00.001+10:00

southpark mac vs pc vs linux

2008-10-21T14:15:00.003+10:00

southpark mac vs pc

2008-10-21T14:13:00.002+10:00

roses

2008-10-15T16:18:00.002+10:00

what happens when cadbury and nestle merge

2008-10-09T11:25:00.003+10:00

backstreet boys meets windows 7

2008-10-08T13:48:00.001+10:00

who is jack schitt?

2008-09-15T09:01:00.001+10:00

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Lodza Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

.

the truth about women

2008-09-11T09:26:00.000+10:00

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So - if you give her crap, you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle...

when to say holy sheet!

2008-09-04T10:16:00.002+10:00

new office policy

2008-08-25T10:23:00.002+10:00

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

learn chinese in 5 minutes

2008-08-08T14:41:00.001+10:00

Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics.

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes: English - Chinese Translations

That's not right! -> Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive? -> Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP -> Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man -> Dum Fuk

Small Horse -> Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? -> Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table! -> Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift! -> Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here! -> Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet! -> Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone! -> No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! -> Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight -> Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile -> Wa Shing Ka

Your body odour is offensive -> Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great -> Fa Kin Su Pa

new speed bump

2008-07-08T16:06:00.002+10:00

dell's new macbook air

2008-07-07T13:36:00.000+10:00

failed

2008-06-27T10:52:00.001+10:00

neat ways to use your mobile

2008-06-25T13:17:00.001+10:00

dumbest crooks in history?

2008-06-25T13:13:00.000+10:00

do these people work with you?

2008-06-24T10:36:00.003+10:00

i cannot respond to emails today

2008-06-18T10:23:00.002+10:00

I can't respond to any emails today ... something has crashed on my computer and the mouse is missing...

only in the movies

2008-06-17T13:41:00.002+10:00

Neat stuff that we missed in the movies...

what? Oh, I remember now, Adidas was founded in 1635...

Hey Samurai Warrior, what time is it?

Hey dude! Put your finger on the trigger now!

Trojan War? Check. Jet in the sky? Check.

Costumes?...Bows?...Arrows?...Cellphone?...Action!

how to save the airlines

2008-06-13T15:24:00.001+10:00

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers. What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right – a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

smart blonde

2008-06-13T10:58:00.000+10:00

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a Great chest you have!'

He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'What massive calves you have!'

The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'

latest engrish signs

2008-06-02T09:44:00.008+10:00

China is definitely ready for the Olympic tourists....

compact but not very smooth...

oohh.. wonder what dorks taste like?

i thought that meat tasted strange...

if there's one thing we don't need help with...

no break dancing!

time limit for teenage boys: 15 seconds...

i guess alcoholics have to sit with the animals...

look up and down the isle twice before proceeding...

much tastier than the grown up variety...

it would be once you start chewing on it...

mother gets her anus done every week...do they do anal bleaching?

I won't tickle this one...

now we know what duck sauce is...

a separate entrance for Ho's, why didn't I think of that...

sounds better than canned water doesn't it?

you ain't gonna find it there...

go over there to die please. thank you...

which is one step up from just lovely...

but taste like cat...

what ever you do, don't blench & reach...

here crippie, take my seat...

great with flied lice...

murphy’s lesser known laws

2008-05-21T11:50:00.000+10:00

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don’t.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

you're a redneck if...

2008-05-20T14:17:00.004+10:00

A little rain doesn't spoil the fishing...

you don't need a lake to do a little skiing...

you have a deer's butt for a door bell...

your pickup looks like this...

your doghouse looks like this...

your wedding cake looks like this...

your wife is quoted in the local paper saying...

redneck country

2008-05-19T15:59:00.003+10:00

redneck grill

redneck horseshoes

redneck lawnmower

redneck weatherstation

redneck pet carrier

redneck wedding reception

redneck powerball winner

above powerball winner on vacation

and lastly ... redneck yacht

cheeky signs

2008-05-19T15:52:00.001+10:00

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

At a Tire Shop:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

male versus female at the ATM

2008-05-16T12:07:00.001+10:00

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

error messages you can understand

2008-05-14T08:56:00.002+10:00

why your dog really goes outside

2008-05-01T10:57:00.001+10:00

Cup of Tea

2008-05-01T10:56:00.000+10:00

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, as only a mother would know... :)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

too technical for women

2008-04-30T16:53:00.001+10:00

last photo i ever took

2008-04-30T16:49:00.001+10:00